T-RUXX (ruxxpin) wrote,

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You gotta fight for your right to party.

I feel proud of myself because I buckled down down and nailed out some details about my NaNo project today. I've had a lot of thoughts in the ether of my brains and I've made three lists of different things - some character/setting information, some vague ideas, a wish list of what I am really hoping to write - the things that really intrigue me and are moving me to try because I do want to write them so much. The wish list is the most important one. The other two can fuck off already.

Also I did some freewriting, a bit over 1500 words (a lot for me, these days).

I can't say whether I really like what I wrote, or if it feels quite right for what I am wanting to do, but it was still a good experience for me to have right now because I tried really hard to focus on blocking out my internal critic and my internal editor. I am sure all writers are their own harshest critic (any writer who isn't at least somewhat critical and derisive of their own work, I don't know if I fully trust... I mean, hi there, Anne Rice) but it's so hard for me not to cringe my way along through things and second-guess and go, "This is so stupid, this is so stupid, this doesn't work," as I'm writing. I think that comes through. I think it's obvious when a writer is uncertain and when they are writing from their heart and guts.

The NaNo emphasis on quantity over quality is something I will need to get used to and that I attempted to keep in mind as I was jotting. I just need to feel like I'm writing from passion more than from this critical place in my brain.

I overthink so much these days... I'm trying not to. I'm really, really trying. I used to write so much more than I do now, but I'm so paralyzed with self-consciousness about my writing this past year, because I am so aware of my shortcomings and aware of what's not good in things I've written in the past. It's hard to feel like I have the right to write, so almost everything I start, I just give up on, feeling like I should apologize for even trying. It isn't inappropriate to say that I have Severe Writing Dysmorphia. I'm to the point of not being capable of seeing what's good about my writing - just the bad stuff. I just see fat.

But I just have to keep in mind that I want to enjoy myself. I can enjoy myself, if I let myself find my footing. And I need to be nice to myself and let myself have the time to find and settle into a place and pace and style and setting that feels good and right. I have to train myself out of second-guessing and back into writing from passion. Lists A and B need not apply.

On the blackboard, Bart Simpson style: I will be nice to myself. I will be nice to myself. I will be nice to myself.
Tags: nanowrimo for dummies
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