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06 October 2007 @ 05:32 pm
I am fooling myself. I can't write at all, let alone a big fic under a deadline.
03 October 2007 @ 02:54 pm
I feel proud of myself because I buckled down down and nailed out some details about my NaNo project today. I've had a lot of thoughts in the ether of my brains and I've made three lists of different things - some character/setting information, some vague ideas, a wish list of what I am really hoping to write - the things that really intrigue me and are moving me to try because I do want to write them so much. The wish list is the most important one. The other two can fuck off already.

Also I did some freewriting, a bit over 1500 words (a lot for me, these days).

I can't say whether I really like what I wrote, or if it feels quite right for what I am wanting to do, but it was still a good experience for me to have right now because I tried really hard to focus on blocking out my internal critic and my internal editor. I am sure all writers are their own harshest critic (any writer who isn't at least somewhat critical and derisive of their own work, I don't know if I fully trust... I mean, hi there, Anne Rice) but it's so hard for me not to cringe my way along through things and second-guess and go, "This is so stupid, this is so stupid, this doesn't work," as I'm writing. I think that comes through. I think it's obvious when a writer is uncertain and when they are writing from their heart and guts.

The NaNo emphasis on quantity over quality is something I will need to get used to and that I attempted to keep in mind as I was jotting. I just need to feel like I'm writing from passion more than from this critical place in my brain.

I overthink so much these days... I'm trying not to. I'm really, really trying. I used to write so much more than I do now, but I'm so paralyzed with self-consciousness about my writing this past year, because I am so aware of my shortcomings and aware of what's not good in things I've written in the past. It's hard to feel like I have the right to write, so almost everything I start, I just give up on, feeling like I should apologize for even trying. It isn't inappropriate to say that I have Severe Writing Dysmorphia. I'm to the point of not being capable of seeing what's good about my writing - just the bad stuff. I just see fat.

But I just have to keep in mind that I want to enjoy myself. I can enjoy myself, if I let myself find my footing. And I need to be nice to myself and let myself have the time to find and settle into a place and pace and style and setting that feels good and right. I have to train myself out of second-guessing and back into writing from passion. Lists A and B need not apply.

On the blackboard, Bart Simpson style: I will be nice to myself. I will be nice to myself. I will be nice to myself.
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Dio - Holy Diver
01 October 2007 @ 07:59 pm
At this point, I don't know if I'm going to friend anyone here - I think I might, but hey, maybe I'll just wank to myself here for a zillion years.

So, I've decided that this is my id journal. As in, Freudian id:

According to Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personality, the id is the personality component made up of unconscious psychic energy thatworks to satisfy basic urges, needs, and desires. The id operates based on the pleasure principle, which demands immediate gratification of needs.

A popular interpretation of the id is not that it is "convincing" the mind to ignore social norms, but rather in itself just does not take social norms into account when 'thinking' or 'acting'. The id is the primal, or beast-like, part of the brain, determined to pursue actions that are pleasurable, such as eating or copulation. The prime motive ofthe id is self-survival, pursuing whatever necessary to accomplish that goal.

Hells yes! Man, am I gonna love posting whatever the fuck I want here. Right now I have less than honorable intentions, let me tell you. Fanfic? You know it! Icons? Maybe! Foaming at the mouth lust for Jensen Ackles? Probably. Maybe I'll post my masterful thesis on Jim/Pam. Maybe I'll do picspam of girlcrushes or what I just bought on eBay. Maybe I will max out LJ's patience by ranting for five consecutive entries about how much I fucking hate something (Sera Gamble and Eric Kripke, you're On Notice).

I also want to use this as my NaNoWriMo journal, especially since I could never, ever post about NaNoWriMo to my main journal. People I know in real life read that journal, and my inner writer is tentative at best. It needs nourishing, and a nice big playground free of bullies, peer pressure, and bad crack, know what I mean? For a change, I've decided to be really awesome to myself instead of picking on my writing and thinking about how much I suck all the time. So even though I'll be attempting NaNoWriMo along with others, it'll be more like a mini-NaNoWriMo for me. I've only ever written short pieces, so I feel like setting a goal of 50,000 words for myself is basically setting myself up for failure and frustration; a guarantee that I will not finish what I start and that it will hinder my confidence with writing rather than help it. Instead, my goal is 25,000 words of something I know I can write: hard! core!! porn!!! I don't care if anyone thinks this is cheating or lame. I'm doing this to help myself rediscover how it feels to be in the thick of an engrossing project that brings me joy, not to "win."

As my therapist would say, it's good to have goals.
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Tilly and the Wall - Coughing Colors